seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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