Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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