I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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