she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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