Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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