so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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