if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
