I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
