It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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