I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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