can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
