whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
