on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
