textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
