I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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