Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize
