let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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