My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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