just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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