Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
