How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Please don't give away my fajitas
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