i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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