Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
