oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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