Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
