That's when you crack a 10am beer
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
