Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
