tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
