I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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