The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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