Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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