I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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