On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
