he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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