Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
