She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
