If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I CAN MOONWALK!
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
