Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
