I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he thought i was a dude.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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