I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
