Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
