Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Of course I have a pirate flag
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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