i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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