and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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