hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
