I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
