I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
