I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
