She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just gargled with NyQuil
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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