His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
