Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
