Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
