I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
