Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
