What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
